I had the good fortune of teaching at the police academy for over a decade of my career. Hired by the Commonwealth as a sub-contractor, I would work in the academy by day, and my police department in the evening. The Police Academy, in all its majesty, is what mystically transforms police officers into superheroes. At great risk to my own personal safety, I would like to let the public in on a long kept secret of law enforcement. In every police academy, throughout the country, there is a special room. My God, I’m really going over the edge to even mention this at all, but I’m going to break the silence. I’ve kept quiet for far too long. In this special room, kept from public view, and lied about by police officers everywhere, is where it all takes place. In this special room at the academy, one of the first things they do is to spray you with this incredible spray. I’ve seen the cans, but never read the ingredients. The spray, once it hardens, makes you impervious to just about everything; knives, bullets, bats, you name it, this spray does it all. Once they spray you down, they hook you up to an IV. It takes about an hour, but they remove all of your existing bodily fluids and replace them with an infusion of HE109. HE109, also known as “hero juice”, is some really amazing stuff. Drawn from the cactus of the Hagava plant, this new life blood does it all. Quite incredibly, it removes all of your emotions. Fear, sadness, frustration, panic, anger, worry, all gone away, never to be felt again. Next comes the really sinister part. If you are a white trainee, they give you the HAB109 injection, (short for Hate All Blacks). Vice versa, the black officers get the HAW109. Everyone gets the HAM250, just to make sure the Mexicans get their share of unjust treatment too. Soon thereafter comes the really big needle. Trust me, this one is huge and it hurts like hell. The BTA5000, short for Beat Them All, this needle guarantees that you brutalize at least half of the subjects you arrest on an annual basis. If you don’t beat at least 50%, then, you are required to get a booster shot until you are cured. Having fully transformed in this magical room, the superheroes are scrubbed, polished, and ready for action. Ready to take on the world.
Contrary to what has become a popular public perception, police officers are, in fact, human. Police officers are a microcosm of society. They are not drawn from a special well, molded from a sacred fire, or delivered by a stork from Sparta. They are regular people, just like you.
The academy doesn’t make us superheroes, quite frankly, it makes us scared. YOU spend six months of YOUR life preparing for this job, with all it entails, and then come talk to me. Spend six months arming yourself, learning to survive, watching videos of officers mistakes as they lie dying and gasping for last breaths, learning to watch peoples hand, search for danger, move to cover, be alert to body movements, stay out of the kitchens when speaking to people at a domestic, a knife wielding subject can kill you at 21 feet if your gun is not drawn, there is a gun on every call because you bring it there, never lose your gun or you will die, most officers die on motor vehicle stops, watch the Hands, if you are getting choked out you will lose your gun and die, don’t show fear, use command and control, call for backup, stop motor vehicles in lighted areas, survive, watch the Hands, keep your flashlight away from your body in the dark, call for a K9 to search so the dog is killed instead of you, don’t internalize the dead bodies, look away so they don’t last as memories, don’t get depressed, keep your family as your focus, always wear your vest, always test your stun gun at the beginning of the shift, watch for furtive movements, don’t show fear, watch the hands, always watch the hands…
Do I believe there are bad police officers, your damn right I do. I’ve arrested at least 5 that I can think of offhand. Maybe more! But the good human beings far, far outweigh the bad. The caring, considerate, respectful, hardworking, courageous, tough ones, man they are the best. The broad brush is as wicked as the villain’s sword.
I read an article this week about a bad airline pilot. He invited several women up into the cockpit and engaged in unethical and dangerous behavior, jeopardizing hundreds of lives. He should be fired and jailed for his behavior. What I didn’t read about this week was the thousands of pilots across the country who did their job as professionals, safely taking people into flight.
And yet, I still believe in them. I still believe in their goodness, their professionalism, and their ability to make me fly…